Working While Non-Binary

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When I started this blog, I was working at a cafe in Portland, Oregon where nearly all the staff was gender nonconforming and/or queer. It was a special place, not necessarily because everything was perfect (it was far from it) but because I felt truly seen. I started at this place as a temporary employee but, still, I was asked what my pronouns were, how comfortable I was with everyone knowing my pronouns/identity, and we all had this common queer understanding that is hard to put into words to non-queer people. We all just got each other on a certain level. To be honest, it was this acceptance and seeing that there were others like me that gave me the confidence to be out at work and really carve space for myself as “The Non-Binary Barista.”

As I’ve gone to coffee events, it has now become my moniker of sorts. People come up to me and know me as much as Brit as they do The Non-Binary Barista, which is fantastic and makes me truly value this space. It also is something that I do not take for granted. However, I still find myself in non-affirming jobs and find myself being the only non-binary person that people I interact with in professional settings know and engage with regularly. It can be tough to go between places of true acceptance and then go back to places where I feel like I am choosing my battles.

So, rather than paint an overly rosy picture of being non-binary in the workplace, here are 4 things I have learned from working in coffee as a non-binary person.

It’s Not Always Safe To Come Out
Coming out is never a one-and-done experience. We all come out in our own way to the people in our lives in stages as our safety and comfort levels allow. Not everyone will welcome you and sometimes even I make the choice to not come out to certain coworkers. This is not due to insecurity about my own identity, but a reflection of who I allow to see me in my fullness. Some people will never respect who I am as a non-binary person and I no longer waste my breath trying to force someone to accept me, and choose the lesser of two evils (being misgendered) than potentially outright animosity. This isn’t a prescriptive way of dealing with this issue, it is how I’ve chosen to deal with these types of coworkers. Instead of trying to constantly correct them or telling them what being non-binary means to me, I stay open about who I am and discuss it with those coworkers that I do feel safe with and leave those topics of conversation out when with unsafe coworkers. It is just what I’ve found works for me.

There Are No Rules
In a binary world, I always feel the pressure to “just pick one,” to present hyper femme or traditionally masc, but the non-binary reality is that I’ve learned to throw out the rule book and present how I feel. Being non-binary allows me to explore my gender and presentation in a way that is expansive and ever evolving. It is not a betrayal of how I view myself to wear something that society has ascribed to one gender. In a professional environment, the inclination can be stronger to present in a way that aligns with how you are perceived. And, giving into the that inclination is not a betrayal but rather an expression to be examined and done with care.

My Info Is Mine
At a previous job, a coworker came to me and said that I should confront another who was misgendering me. I told her that I already had but she insisted that I needed to do a better job with that coworker, because that coworker’s misgendering was confusing those that did gender me correctly. At the same time, I, like every gender non-conforming person, has been misgendered by someone who, when corrected, ends up needing to be comforted and told that their mistake wasn’t a mistake instead of moving on. Both situations involve emotional labor on my part and I set my own boundaries. No cis person has the right to tell me how I should handle being non-binary or how to handle how people interact with me. True allies of trans and non-binary people will take their mistakes and address them, not come to me to soothe their own egos and make me do more to prove who I am. My identity belongs to me.

There Is Not Enough Time
I’ve formed great relationships with regulars, people who I genuinely like, but that does not mean that all of them know that I am non-binary because there just isn’t enough time. Most coffee shop interactions are around 5 minutes, which even in regular intervals, does not give me enough time to explain to most people that I’m non-binary unless it comes up naturally. In the past, I’ve brought it up when I see LGBT+ pins or if the customer brings up gender. The type of relationships that baristas form with customers, though, is not one that requires complete knowledge of each other. So, if one of my favorite regulars doesn’t know that I’m non-binary, it is due to the time constraint rather than lack of closeness.

The absolute truth is that I love being non-binary. For all the misunderstandings or ignorant comments, being fully myself in all its complexities, is something that I am proud of myself for being open and proudly out. This blog has helped me, as much as I’ve been told it helps others, as being a place where I can talk about the coffee world as I’ve experienced it but also as a place where I can be my most non-binary self.

Four Places To Put Your Focus When Dysphoria Strikes During Your Shift

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with body dysphoria. What that means is that since I was little, I thought something was wrong with how I looked and it stemmed from an idea that I didn’t look the way I thought I should. I remember sometime around late elementary school thinking about getting a nose job and holding magazines with profiles to my face in front of the mirror. I obsessed over the fact that my bottom lip was crooked when I smiled.

Even now, after putting in so much mental and emotional work, I often feel separate from my body. I’m in it one minute, then I see pictures of myself and feel completely divorced from the person I see to the one I experienced in that moment.

Meanwhile, experiencing dysphoria when you also have to go into work can be exhausting and even paralyzing. The coffee industry is one built on presentation, where the product we make is just as important as the face-to-face interaction with our customers. Dysphoria is (unfortunately) not something that you can call out of work for, but going in to the shop and interacting with people all during a shift can add to the discomfort of Trans or Gender Non-Conforming (TGNC) employees.

I got hit with a pretty strong sense of dysphoria this past weekend, so I figured that I should write about dysphoria and work. As a non-binary person, I recognize that there is nothing that I can post on this blog that will stop the feelings that come on, but I want to share with you four places to focus your energy to help you get through the day.

Focus on the Coffee:
I think what initially draws people into cafe life is the care and craft of making coffee. The idea that with intention, you can pull a good shot, steam perfect frothy milk, pour an intricate design, and then hand it off to an appreciative customer. The coffee is what pulled you in, so on those days that you need a distraction, go back to the basics. You may feel completely out of place in your body, but setting a goal like consistently good milk texture or keeping your bar station super clean can help you get through the day. Even if the goal of perfect or great seems like too much on these days, shoot for consistency and a manageable level of good coffee. Allow yourself the time to make sure your espresso is dialed in throughout the day, don’t rush your milk steaming, and be careful with your pourovers.

Focus on your Coworkers:
Way back when I first started blogging (like all the way back in 2006, can we take a minute to marvel at the fact that that was 14 years ago!!!), one of my favorite bloggers posted what she called a Sad Trombone list, a master list of items to do when you are sad and feel like a dark cloud (or trombone) is following you. The first item on that list is to help others.

Dysphoria sucks and you may not want to do much of anything, but taking the time to turn your crappy day into one that could make someone else’s day brighter will help you and others. In the case of going into work, try putting your focus on your coworkers and what you can do to help them out. In the past when I’ve done this, this has looked like baking something the night before to help everyone on shift or taking on jobs during the shift that are less desirable. No one likes cleaning the bathroom, but, maybe instead of going back and forth on who should clean it, you offer and that takes the load off of someone else. Whatever feels right and you have the energy to do, go for it and see how it helps.

Also, if you are able, consider helping others by donating to causes that are important to you. I’ve posted about the times we are living in a lot lately, but another way to help others right now is to donate to virtual tip jars, emergency relief funds, or to your friends in the coffee industry.

Focus on The Shop:
The owners of one of my past jobs started their shop because they were enamored with coffee shop culture. When I’m in a good mental place, I resonate with that because I love every aspect of shop life. The customers, my coworkers, making drinks, and creating recipes are why I come into work everyday. Dysphoria makes giving my energy towards something else so much harder because my mind is elsewhere. Not every day of work, no matter how good the job is, will be fun and exciting. Some days, the way that you can focus on the shop’s needs and do what is best for you is by pulling back. 

Pulling back looks different based on the person and what they have the mental energy for, so these are just some suggestions. Always take care of yourself and do what you feel is best. 

♥ Doing the dishes ♥ Getting to those tasks that never seem to get done ♥ Asking your coworkers for five minutes to collect yourself ♥ Going outside on your break and getting some fresh air ♥ Volunteering to make cold brew/lemonade/etc to give yourself a task that isn’t engaging directly with customers ♥ Asking someone to switch positions in the shop with you for awhile to one that is more manageable ♥ Informing a trusted coworker or manager that you aren’t feeling your best and forming a plan on how to get through the day ♥

Focus on Feeling Good:
Your job is to feel good.

Let me say that again because most people never hear this: your job is to feel good. I’m not talking about the job that you are paid to do, but your job in this life is to live a life that makes you happy. Dysphoria can be crippling, so, on those days where you are fighting your own issues, you are allowed to do whatever makes you feel good (that is safe). Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable, drink or eat whatever you want, and take time for yourself to sit with those feelings. None of this is easy for anyone, so do what you can to get through the day.

Dysphoria, though it never seems like it in the moment, does fade eventually but I hope that these tips help you the next time that identity monster strikes.