For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with body dysphoria. What that means is that since I was little, I thought something was wrong with how I looked and it stemmed from an idea that I didn’t look the way I thought I should. I remember sometime around late elementary school thinking about getting a nose job and holding magazines with profiles to my face in front of the mirror. I obsessed over the fact that my bottom lip was crooked when I smiled.
Even now, after putting in so much mental and emotional work, I often feel separate from my body. I’m in it one minute, then I see pictures of myself and feel completely divorced from the person I see to the one I experienced in that moment.
Meanwhile, experiencing dysphoria when you also have to go into work can be exhausting and even paralyzing. The coffee industry is one built on presentation, where the product we make is just as important as the face-to-face interaction with our customers. Dysphoria is (unfortunately) not something that you can call out of work for, but going in to the shop and interacting with people all during a shift can add to the discomfort of Trans or Gender Non-Conforming (TGNC) employees.
I got hit with a pretty strong sense of dysphoria this past weekend, so I figured that I should write about dysphoria and work. As a non-binary person, I recognize that there is nothing that I can post on this blog that will stop the feelings that come on, but I want to share with you four places to focus your energy to help you get through the day.
Focus on the Coffee:
I think what initially draws people into cafe life is the care and craft of making coffee. The idea that with intention, you can pull a good shot, steam perfect frothy milk, pour an intricate design, and then hand it off to an appreciative customer. The coffee is what pulled you in, so on those days that you need a distraction, go back to the basics. You may feel completely out of place in your body, but setting a goal like consistently good milk texture or keeping your bar station super clean can help you get through the day. Even if the goal of perfect or great seems like too much on these days, shoot for consistency and a manageable level of good coffee. Allow yourself the time to make sure your espresso is dialed in throughout the day, don’t rush your milk steaming, and be careful with your pourovers.
Focus on your Coworkers:
Way back when I first started blogging (like all the way back in 2006, can we take a minute to marvel at the fact that that was 14 years ago!!!), one of my favorite bloggers posted what she called a Sad Trombone list, a master list of items to do when you are sad and feel like a dark cloud (or trombone) is following you. The first item on that list is to help others.
Dysphoria sucks and you may not want to do much of anything, but taking the time to turn your crappy day into one that could make someone else’s day brighter will help you and others. In the case of going into work, try putting your focus on your coworkers and what you can do to help them out. In the past when I’ve done this, this has looked like baking something the night before to help everyone on shift or taking on jobs during the shift that are less desirable. No one likes cleaning the bathroom, but, maybe instead of going back and forth on who should clean it, you offer and that takes the load off of someone else. Whatever feels right and you have the energy to do, go for it and see how it helps.
Also, if you are able, consider helping others by donating to causes that are important to you. I’ve posted about the times we are living in a lot lately, but another way to help others right now is to donate to virtual tip jars, emergency relief funds, or to your friends in the coffee industry.
Focus on The Shop:
The owners of one of my past jobs started their shop because they were enamored with coffee shop culture. When I’m in a good mental place, I resonate with that because I love every aspect of shop life. The customers, my coworkers, making drinks, and creating recipes are why I come into work everyday. Dysphoria makes giving my energy towards something else so much harder because my mind is elsewhere. Not every day of work, no matter how good the job is, will be fun and exciting. Some days, the way that you can focus on the shop’s needs and do what is best for you is by pulling back.
Pulling back looks different based on the person and what they have the mental energy for, so these are just some suggestions. Always take care of yourself and do what you feel is best.
♥ Doing the dishes ♥ Getting to those tasks that never seem to get done ♥ Asking your coworkers for five minutes to collect yourself ♥ Going outside on your break and getting some fresh air ♥ Volunteering to make cold brew/lemonade/etc to give yourself a task that isn’t engaging directly with customers ♥ Asking someone to switch positions in the shop with you for awhile to one that is more manageable ♥ Informing a trusted coworker or manager that you aren’t feeling your best and forming a plan on how to get through the day ♥
Focus on Feeling Good:
Your job is to feel good.
Let me say that again because most people never hear this: your job is to feel good. I’m not talking about the job that you are paid to do, but your job in this life is to live a life that makes you happy. Dysphoria can be crippling, so, on those days where you are fighting your own issues, you are allowed to do whatever makes you feel good (that is safe). Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable, drink or eat whatever you want, and take time for yourself to sit with those feelings. None of this is easy for anyone, so do what you can to get through the day.
Dysphoria, though it never seems like it in the moment, does fade eventually but I hope that these tips help you the next time that identity monster strikes.
The Non-Binary Barista 